Why Radical Responsibility is a game-changer
When life starts "life-ing," it is easy to feel helpless and resigned to a pattern of setbacks. Things like business deals falling through, unexpected family matters, and job insecurity happen all the time. The hard truth is that there are some things that we cannot control. But the other side of that truth, is that there are many other things that we CAN control.
What happens when we choose to take radical control over the things that we can actually influence and impact? Join Temi Siyanbade, business and brand attorney, as she unpacks the power of radical responsibility.
Transcript
Hey everyone, it's Temi here.
Speaker:All right. So in today's conversation,
Speaker:again, you know, we have a nice Little
Speaker:Mix. Sometimes we talk about law,
Speaker:sometimes we talk about life, sometimes
Speaker:we talk about the both of them. And
Speaker:today, what I want to talk about is
Speaker:something that I think it has
Speaker:implications for your business, for your
Speaker:life and even for the law, honestly.
Speaker:And it is this idea of radical
Speaker:responsibility.
Speaker:As I said it, I thought to myself is
Speaker:there is it could there, could there be
Speaker:something that sounds any less
Speaker:sexy? But actually maybe
Speaker:we'll talk about that another thing
Speaker:'cause I was like, actually
Speaker:responsibility can be a very attractive
Speaker:thing. But I, I, I, I don't want to go
Speaker:there. That's not what we're talking
Speaker:about. But I do want to talk about this
Speaker:idea and this concept of radical
Speaker:responsibility and I want to bring take
Speaker:you back, you know, sometimes I like to
Speaker:do a little bit of story time. And and a
Speaker:lot of these stories I'm finding seem to
Speaker:go back to when I was teaching because I
Speaker:learned some amazing things. And so
Speaker:here's the background. When I first
Speaker:started my educational career, so when I
Speaker:started teaching with Teacher America,
Speaker:they took us through a training and
Speaker:intensive training in order to prepare us
Speaker:for the classrooms that we would be in.
Speaker:And with Teach for America, with programs
Speaker:like that, you're usually placed in low
Speaker:income neighborhoods where the
Speaker:achievement gap is really huge. What do I
Speaker:mean by that? I mean, I mean that when
Speaker:they start to look at how well people do
Speaker:in terms of their achievement and how
Speaker:it's measured, for example, in like exams
Speaker:and things like that, there's usually a
Speaker:gap between the poor. And the rich?
Speaker:Children who are in low income
Speaker:neighborhoods and people in high income
Speaker:neighborhoods and sometimes that threat
Speaker:also goes with with race. But that
Speaker:doesn't it's not an accurate reflection
Speaker:of, again, people's capabilities. It's
Speaker:usually based off of resources and a
Speaker:whole bunch of other things that I'm not
Speaker:going to get into right now, resources,
Speaker:expectations, blah blah, blah. But
Speaker:all this to say is we went through the
Speaker:significant training and in that training
Speaker:one of the things that has stuck with me.
Speaker:You know, decades later,
Speaker:almost 20 years later, is this
Speaker:idea, this concept of locus
Speaker:of control, When I tell you that this
Speaker:principle, this idea
Speaker:is. Not
Speaker:groundbreaking, but perspective
Speaker:shifting this is what it was for me
Speaker:and essentially locus of control is
Speaker:asking yourself, with as much
Speaker:honesty and objectivity as
Speaker:possible, what can you
Speaker:really control?
Speaker:Right. And it's not like what do I want
Speaker:to control?You know, or
Speaker:what should I control that? Those are not
Speaker:the questions. The question is what can
Speaker:you really control?And you have to be
Speaker:brutally honest. And the reason why we
Speaker:had to talk about this in terms of when I
Speaker:was teaching was because oftentimes they
Speaker:saw something that would happen to the
Speaker:teachers who would come into these
Speaker:environments. You'd come into this, this
Speaker:environment and because you.
Speaker:See so many challenges. You had so many
Speaker:teachers who wanted to control so many
Speaker:elements that were actually outside of
Speaker:their control. Like we have the have the
Speaker:opportunity to control our classrooms
Speaker:couldn't necessarily control the things
Speaker:that are outside of our classroom. When
Speaker:our students leave our classroom, when
Speaker:they're in the hallways, when they go
Speaker:back home. We have limited control over
Speaker:those things, but in our classroom we had
Speaker:control. And the question was when we
Speaker:were able to kind of distinguish between
Speaker:the two, you're able to harness your
Speaker:energy in a more productive,
Speaker:meaningful and effective manner.
Speaker:So again, let me step back and say this,
Speaker:when you identify your locus of control,
Speaker:when you identify what you can really
Speaker:control. You are able to harness your
Speaker:energy, harness your
Speaker:resources. In a way that is
Speaker:more effective, more
Speaker:productive. Right. More
Speaker:beneficial to you and to
Speaker:whomever it is that you want to serve,
Speaker:but it requires A radical
Speaker:level of honesty and
Speaker:and when you do that right you you
Speaker:start to to identify and
Speaker:shift the way you think about
Speaker:responsibility. So again first and
Speaker:foremost is identifying what can I really
Speaker:control and then deciding that you will
Speaker:exercise the control you have
Speaker:meaningfully. And I want to say this
Speaker:because again, as I started, I was like,
Speaker:this is not about what you wish you could
Speaker:control. I think the challenge for so
Speaker:many of us when it comes to like, being
Speaker:control freaks or looking at life as we
Speaker:often want to control the things we have
Speaker:no control over. But us exerting
Speaker:energy towards the things that we can't
Speaker:control, we neglect the things we
Speaker:can. So
Speaker:here's here's what I'm saying. Sometimes
Speaker:we try to to to control other people.
Speaker:I want to make you, this other person,
Speaker:this external force do what I want you to
Speaker:do. All right, I'm trying to exercise
Speaker:that control. But guess what? You don't
Speaker:have control over that. You may have
Speaker:influence, but influence is different
Speaker:from control. But we'll exert all of this
Speaker:and attention, energy, trying to control
Speaker:and essentially trying to manipulate
Speaker:other people. And we have no control at
Speaker:the end. And then when that, when we're
Speaker:proven, when that's proven our lack of
Speaker:control, we end up so frustrated. Why
Speaker:couldn't I get this thing to happen? Why
Speaker:couldn't I get this thing? Because you
Speaker:didn't actually have control of that. The
Speaker:thing you have control over is yourself.
Speaker:And even when it comes to yourself. You
Speaker:have control over how you respond to
Speaker:things. I'll tell you this. You know,
Speaker:there's an idea that you can control your
Speaker:thoughts. You can, but it's not the way
Speaker:you think. All of us as human beings have
Speaker:all these different thoughts that come to
Speaker:our mind. Sometimes they're negative,
Speaker:sometimes they're positive. Like the idea
Speaker:that we all live in a La La land where
Speaker:everything is positive is just false. And
Speaker:if you do, you might need to get that
Speaker:checked out. If you're living in the real
Speaker:world, you get a mixture of negative and
Speaker:positive thoughts that come and hit you
Speaker:all the time. And and and that's outside
Speaker:of your control. But guess what is in
Speaker:your control?You get to control
Speaker:how you analyze and think about those
Speaker:thoughts, how you respond to them. So
Speaker:if I have a control that a thought that
Speaker:comes to me and says, Tammy, you know
Speaker:you're going to fail, right? Because we
Speaker:do that. Anytime you do anything that is
Speaker:risky, anytime you do something that is
Speaker:new, those types of thoughts kind of come
Speaker:flooding in. So it's like, you know what?
Speaker:You're going to try and launch this thing
Speaker:and hey, you're going to fail. That
Speaker:thought can come. But I can decide to
Speaker:wait, pause on it and say hold on, let me
Speaker:examine this thought. Let me look at it.
Speaker:Is this thought real? Like is
Speaker:it? Is it fact? Is it
Speaker:law?Or is it a
Speaker:prediction? And if it's a prediction,
Speaker:right, where is this prediction? What is
Speaker:it based on? Is it based on a pattern?
Speaker:OK, If it's based off a pattern, is there
Speaker:something I can control to shift that
Speaker:pattern right? Like if it
Speaker:if it's not based off of a pattern, what
Speaker:is it based off of?The
Speaker:other question you can start asking
Speaker:yourself when you're looking at this
Speaker:thing that you can't control is OK. The
Speaker:stock came up. How long do I want to
Speaker:entertain it? Do I want to spend all day
Speaker:thinking about it, or do I want to think
Speaker:about something else? Another thing that
Speaker:you can do with regards to what you can
Speaker:control? Again, you can't control the
Speaker:fact that the thought popped up, but you
Speaker:can decide. You know what you can decide.
Speaker:I'm going to think about this. Is this
Speaker:not beneficial to me?Right. All
Speaker:of those things are things you actually
Speaker:can't control. You couldn't control the
Speaker:fact that the thought popped through your
Speaker:head. That's that's you being human. But
Speaker:you can control how you respond to it.
Speaker:The same thing happens in life. Right.
Speaker:You can interact with people. You can
Speaker:want them to act a certain way, but you
Speaker:can't control them. But you can choose
Speaker:how you're going to respond to them. So
Speaker:if you have someone who is consistently
Speaker:acting in a negative way or a harmful
Speaker:way, you can decide how long you're going
Speaker:to entertain them. You can decide where
Speaker:is this coming from? You can, you know,
Speaker:be reflective and say, am I doing
Speaker:something? Am I putting myself in a
Speaker:position to receive this treatment? What
Speaker:does that mean? Am I entertaining people
Speaker:I don't have to entertain, like my
Speaker:younger brother? We were talking about
Speaker:this actually earlier today, and we were
Speaker:talking about the use of no and and he's
Speaker:way better at using no than I am. And he
Speaker:says, I love the work that would just
Speaker:roll off your tongue. One of the things
Speaker:he's taught me and even my younger
Speaker:sister, my siblings have been really
Speaker:instrumental in this recognition is
Speaker:that we have the ability
Speaker:to even. Control what
Speaker:we commit to, what we don't like.
Speaker:Oftentimes we relinquish the control and
Speaker:we say, Oh my gosh, I have no choice. No,
Speaker:you have maybe two negative choices, two
Speaker:things that an option is you don't like
Speaker:to choose, but you have the control to
Speaker:choose one of them. You can choose the
Speaker:lesser of the two, right. And so
Speaker:essentially when you start to think about
Speaker:what it is that you can actually control.
Speaker:Right. What you really control, the
Speaker:next step is making a decision that
Speaker:you're going to take radical
Speaker:responsibility for it. Like I'm
Speaker:going to be radically responsible for my
Speaker:thoughts. I'm going to be
Speaker:radically responsible for the
Speaker:people and places I
Speaker:use and spend my energy.
Speaker:I'm going to be radically responsible for
Speaker:the way I spend my time. I'm
Speaker:going to own it and it's so uncomfortable
Speaker:because. We all are within our
Speaker:rights to find the things that influence
Speaker:us, that impact us, right? We
Speaker:all are impacted. Nobody is a silo.
Speaker:Nobody is on an island. But when you
Speaker:take that radical responsibility, it's
Speaker:almost like you're saying I'm not going
Speaker:to pay as much attention to those things
Speaker:that I can blame. I'm not going
Speaker:to empower those things that I can blame.
Speaker:And that's kind of it can be unsettling
Speaker:because you have to look at yourself in
Speaker:the mirror, but you can always choose to
Speaker:look at yourself in the mirror with both
Speaker:truth and grace.
Speaker:Right where you can be radically honest
Speaker:and say I'm responsible for how I
Speaker:responded and I didn't respond the best
Speaker:way because I'm a human being, but I can
Speaker:try again.
Speaker:Yeah. So that's kind of what I want
Speaker:you to take away from today's
Speaker:conversation is I want you to think about
Speaker:where are there areas in your life where
Speaker:you can take radical responsibility,
Speaker:where you can sit down and be honest
Speaker:about what you really do control and what
Speaker:you don't control. Like before we wrap
Speaker:up, like that's so critical, like
Speaker:identifying what you don't control and
Speaker:saying I can do all of this. I can
Speaker:influence to an extent, but I at the end
Speaker:of the day, I can't control you. So I can
Speaker:say everything perfectly. I can say
Speaker:12345678910, not
Speaker:skip a beat, but you can choose has a
Speaker:person who has your own unique will. Your
Speaker:own volition, your own personality to do
Speaker:what you want with it. Right. Even if I
Speaker:can try and predict the future, you can
Speaker:choose a different future for yourself
Speaker:because you are in control of you and I'm
Speaker:in control of me. When I choose.
Speaker:Radical responsibility, right? I empower
Speaker:myself. I empower
Speaker:myself. To be most
Speaker:productive, I empower myself to channel
Speaker:my energy in a way where I can actually
Speaker:affect the most change.
Speaker:And experience the transformation of the
Speaker:change that I want in my life.
Speaker:So just some thoughts for you to take
Speaker:with you this week. I hope it's been
Speaker:really helpful. And tell me what you
Speaker:think in the comments section. Like
Speaker:where has radical responsibility shown
Speaker:up in your life? Are there places
Speaker:where you have room to take more
Speaker:in your business, in your relationships,
Speaker:in your finances? Listen, we're not going
Speaker:to talk about all the ones that I can,
Speaker:there's so many areas, but but let's
Speaker:think about that and reflect on that and
Speaker:feel free to share it in the comment
Speaker:section. Alright,
Speaker:hope you are doing well. Until next time,
Speaker:bye.
